So, I went to my MD yesterday.
She did my PAP, and then I came clean about my increasingly terrible cramps & spotting. She sifted through my old test results/recent history, and "Hmmm"d a lot. She agreed that the cramping/spotting could definitely be a sign of endometriosis/fibroids, and said that a laparoscopy was the most efficient way to determine that.
I came clean about my belly anxiety, and admitted that was why I've put off going to the Fertility Clinic for so long. When I was supposed to have a laparoscopy a few years ago (because of terrible cramps), I was under the impression that it was a local anesthetic, and the patient was awake for the procedure. This, is too freaky for me, so I asked her that if I had to get the laparoscopy done, could I be sedated for it, because the idea of it makes me hysterical. She did a double-take & said "Of course you'd be sedated! We don't do that with you awake!" I felt like an idiot, but at the same time, incredibly relieved... so relieved I nearly burst into tears right there in her office.
Further to the anxiety portion, she said "We have good drugs for people like you", and assured me that I could be given a sedative to take the night before/morning of the procedure to help me get to the hospital without flipping myself out.
It was something about the combination of the procedure itself, plus the idea of being awake and aware of it that was really causing my hysteria. Knowing that the only way I'd be able to do it was to be knocked out, and because I thought that wasn't the "way" they do it, and they'd be making special arrangements for me, I felt like a sissy. And I felt like I was betraying my body for being willing to knock myself out for a procedure that I would never do awake. Learning that it's already an "asleep" procedure seemed to nullify some of those feelings. I'm still freaked out but at least I don't feel like a sissy about it anymore.
She didn't book me for one yet, as she's essentially just going to hand me over to the fertility clinic and let them decide what/when stuff like that should happen, as they'll want to investigate all my symptoms anyway.
So the process is as follows:
-Send the PAP in to make sure there's no pre-cancer growing again. I'm a bit worried because while she was doing it, she said that she could see some inflammation, which is what she said last time when the results came back bad. We'll see though, it could be nothing.
-Go get some blood tests to re-stest my prolactin levels and my rubella immunity.
-She's referring me to the Fert.Clinic, so I should hear from them within a week to book an appointment to go talk to them.
-Expect the Fert.Clinic to do a bunch of testing, including a laparoscopy. She reminded me to not be afraid to tell them that I'm wigged out by poking, and to ask for help, and to make sure I get either Frank or someone else super-supportive to come with me.
So I went home, feeling a little freaked out and scared. And I decided to run a bath. And while I was in the bath, the cats came to check it out, like they always do. And I was being silly, and touched a bit of bubblebath foam to Pook's paw. She lifted her paw. So I touched the other paw. And she lifted it away and started to back up.
But there wasn't really space to back up...
So she slipped into the bathtub.
SPLOOSH!
She rocketed out of the tub almost as fast as she had fallen in, and splashed water absolutely everywhere, ran downstairs to hide & preen, leaving a trail of sudsy water behind her. Frank Frank was all "WTF?! I Missed it?!"
Heh heh.
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Not at all the same, but when I had my wisdom teeth out (all four at once, and I'm told I have a narrow jaw, so it was gonna be ugly), I was told it would take upwards of two hours. I was freaked out, and thinking of how badly it went for Arwen, and how she'd gone into fight/flight mode about half-way through.
When they asked me if I wanted anesthetics, I was like "Wait: I can be knocked out for this?" and they said that yes, I could, but it'd cost more.
I told them the first thing that came into my head: "This sounds like two hours I don't need in my memory, who do I make the cheque out to?"
Thinking back, I think of the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" plot, and think "If I could go back and knock out some small stuff, what would it be?" Nothing huge, of course, but just... little things. Bad movies. Boring meetings. Little stuff.
And as for wet cats, didn't anyone yell "DO NOT WANT!"?
I am SO PROUD OF YOU that you told her and got help. Also, they really do have good drugs for people like us. Hmm: beta blockers for every pap! Sign me up!
This is the best lesson to learn because when you are pregnant and giving birth being really clear about the Do Not Wants is important to feeling in your body and present. A friend of our acquaintance, for example, had to smack a doppler out of the hand of an attendant nurse who wasn't paying attention - this person could not be touched while having a contraction without it breaking her connection to herself. Listening to your body is everything; the medicine is just a tool there to help, and they have to listen to your need for help.
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